Secret #4: Criticism Doesn't Have To Hurt

Humans. What curious animals! We love to be praised and shrink from criticism. Yet, we often doubt a compliment while being quick to believe an unflattering assessment. What other creature suspects what they want to believe and accepts fully what they fear? In the words of my most esteemed psychology professor: it is uniquely mishugina.

The lack of trust we feel in positive feedback is most often the result of our own insecurities; perhaps from unkind or unwanted criticism we received as children. (What criticism means to each of us is deeply personal, and requires individualized attention that cannot be addressed here.) We are also aware that there may be cultural norms that encourage disingenuous compliments. After all, a compliment is easy to give. A criticism, when it is thoughtful, knowledgeable and intended to be genuinely helpful, is more difficult to give - as well as to receive. That may be part of why we tend to lean toward the negative, but there is another option here.

What if we listened to both - what others perceive we are doing well, and what may be in need of some work - with equal consideration? Can’t both offer valuable information to us? Furthermore, what if we limited ourselves to receiving input only from those whom we believe are offering it with the intention of strengthening our abilities? While we’re at it, why not run the feedback we get through our own filters and our own best judgment, and see how it matches up with how we feel? True, sometimes what we feel we are doing and what we are actually doing don’t match up so well (and that's why outside critique is so helpful). Still, we have valuable instincts and self-perceptions and they deserve to be heard. As we continue improving, these instincts and perceptions often become sharper. Getting thoughts from several people you trust can also help to determine if the impression is generally held and therefore deserving of more attention. It's not a conspiracy, it's an opportunity.

So, first order of business: Don’t give credence to the opinions of those you don’t respect, don’t trust or - for whatever reason – don’t like (see reference to Helen Gurley Brown in Secret #2: Fear Is Like Excitement & It Can Be Harnessed). I live in the same world you do. I am aware that there are some miserable people out there who suffer from such deep insecurities that they routinely say things to be hurtful and to shake the confidence of others. If they can’t feel good about themselves, no one else should be able to either, apparently. Generally, we know who these people are and have seen them in the act of cutting down others or trying to demonstrate their discriminating taste by hating everything. DO NOT listen to these people! Why would you? People like this are not a reliable source of useful information and clearly do not have your welfare in mind when they “share.” If someone who fits this description begins to offer unsolicited “observations,” thank them for their thoughts and promptly ignore what they have to say. Remind yourself who is talking and shift your attention to a person in whom you have some faith. The message here: Consider the source.

Second in our lineup is: Spoken communication isn’t the same as talking. Talking. Most of us have been doing it since around our twelfth month of life. Why should we need help with that? Well, most of us don’t. But there is a big difference between saying words and communicating thoughts, sharing ideas, offering persuasive arguments and conveying emotions and not everyone has the best skills for it. Often, we make the mistake of thinking that communicating well is – or should be - instinctive or autonomic, like our heartbeat or blinking. It isn’t.

Hearing about the challenges we face with spoken communication can feel like being told we have a fundamental defect. We feel like we are hanging our whole self out there, bearing our souls. So when someone makes a critical observation, the perception is that our whole self is being rejected or assessed as wrong. The reality is that it is usually a response to something more technical and that can be modified with minor adjustments, having little or nothing to do with our deeper personality. Sometimes, the feedback can be more personal, it's true, but rarely is it a rejection of who we are.

As it turns out, good communication skills and techniques are mostly the result of learned behavior. The examples we are given as children at home, at school and with our friends has a great deal to do with how we develop in this area. Generally, and in simplest terms, the better those around us communicate as we are growing up, the better the skills we develop. Because we have very little control over that when we’re young, we are not all on equal footing starting out. Luckily, it’s never too late to make improvements (nor is it too late to forward this blog to your parents, who might benefit from it as well!).

There is also another stumbling block to receiving criticism as a productive tool: The adult ego. Even though we are adults and have jobs and responsibilities, we still have to work at things to become good at them. Yes, we’re out of school, possibly deeply invested in our professional life with families of our own - like real and true grownups. It can be startling to think that we have to go “back” into a learning or student mode in order to improve on the way we do things. The return trip to an open, learning mind can be a rough one and our egos can get a little bent out of shape at the possibility that we don’t have it all wrapped up by now. I have had so many experiences coaching people at all levels that go something like this:

Me: Right now, the message seems a little flat and I’m struggling to differentiate what is important. I’d like you to show me more of how you feel about what you are saying, so I can get involved.

Client: Exactly! I’m just not good at that sort of thing and that’s why I shouldn’t be doing this!

Me: The idea that you need improvement here is precisely the reason that you SHOULD be doing this! How else are you going to get good at it?!?

Once we see some good results, the attitude starts to improve and the ego backs off. We can get back in touch with the unique satisfaction that comes from learning something new and working up to strong proficiency or even a high level of expertise.

There are so many things to be said about criticism and its necessity to growth that I’ve struggled to keep it to what a blog can offer. For now, I’d like to impress that, in order to make positive use of criticism, we have to be open: open to the compliments, the neutral observations, and the negative ones. We have to balance a mixture of feelings about how we are doing. Then we can appreciate both our strengths and weaknesses and work on the latter with a purposeful and positive intention. When approached that way, that which was weak may become strong.